“Smart” is a label we all seem to want.
We want to be called smart, we want people to think we’re smart, and it can feel devastating when they don’t.
Why is there so much pressure to not actually be smart, but to be perceived as smart by others?
It’s not the internal validation of knowing that we’re smart, thoughtful people that makes that label feel important. Consider how different it feels when you tell yourself “hey I’m pretty smart” to when someone else compliments your intelligence. That’s what makes us feel valuable! It’s when others give that label to us, like we’re borrowing it. It feels vulnerable and temporary, like if we don’t take good enough care of that label (i.e., continue to impress people with how “smart” we are) it could be taken away.
Where does this all start?
Like many things, it starts in childhood.
The praises we give to children matter, and how we speak to them and react to their behavior makes an imprint on them that they will carry far longer than the moment between you. We see it in many ways: the way young girls are praised for being pretty (“you look lovely!” or “what a pretty dress you’re wearing!”) which teaches her that her looks are what are valuable and noteworthy about herself, is another example.
So when a child accomplishes something, it matters if we tell them “Wow! Aren’t you proud of yourself for how hard you tried?” instead of “Wow! You’re so smart!”
One of those things teaches them that their effort–not the outcome–is something to celebrate and be proud of. It doesn’t set them up to believe that if they don’t achieve everything they try, that they are somehow less worthy of praise.
We don’t want to set kids up to think that doing something well = being smart, because then there is the risk that from there they extrapolate that messing up or struggling = not being smart.
And we know that that’s not true! Smart people struggle with things and make mistakes all the time, and it’s crucial that we give our kids the space to make their own mistakes and navigate their own struggles, without attaching shame of not seeming smart (and therefore, not feeling valuable) to that.
The pressure to be seen and praised as “smart” can cultivate a negative sense of perfectionism in children as well. The idea that they need to do everything well and correctly for it (or them) to have any value. This sounds like it could be a motivator to work hard, but perfectionism often has the opposite effect. The pressure to perform perfectly is so overwhelming that challenges and new things are avoided altogether, for fear of not living up to the expectations.
We want to teach our kids values that will lead them to the fulfilling life that being “smart” can bring–but that doesn’t mean it has to be exclusively through pressuring them to be “smart.”
Ask yourself: what is it that you mean by smart?
Do you mean hardworking? Or creative? Maybe being smart to you actually means being enthusiastic about problem solving. These are qualities and skills we can help them nurture! When they have accomplished something, you can say things like “Wow! You really thought outside the box!” or “I’m so proud of you for trying!” or “Wasn’t it fun to try to solve that problem?” Encourage them to enjoy the process of learning and trying new things, and they will naturally become smarter–because trying new things means learning new things!
Recognize that being smart and seeming smart might be different, and that you might have been confusing the two for a while. “Smart” isn’t just about academic performance.
Being smart is just being motivated to learn.
So if you want your kids to be “smart” instead of putting the label or expectation on them, show them how fun learning can be! And let them see you as you learn something new or make mistakes. If they learn that making mistakes is a valuable part of the learning process, it won’t seem so daunting or shameful.