Do you know how to manage conflict with your teen when it comes up?
Here’s what commonly happens:
Teens, who are less able and less practiced in how to regulate their own emotions, are quicker to anger or and prone to catastrophizing. This means, instead of being able to hear what you, their parents, are trying to communicate to them, they just hear criticism–so they get defensive, and attack.
Parents are, of course, only human. So while in practice reacting to their aggression with anger of your own teen only exacerbates the conflict, it’s a common reaction when we feel like we aren’t being heard, considered, or respected. And many adults aren’t taught proper emotional regulation skills to begin with, so learning how to apply those skills and model them for your teen is something that must be consciously and intentionally practiced.
Here’s what to do instead:
Lower your voice & calm your body:
Like we said in an old post, sometimes the simplest action of lowering your voice can defuse an argument from escalating and stopping the fight/flight response. Our bodies have muscle memory, if you take a physical step back, your mind will soon follow with healthy behaviors previously learned or practiced. Once calm, remember to return to the conversation in order to process.
This is also something you should teach your teen to do with conflict too! Guide them through the importance of giving their body space to calm down, so they can come to hard conversations without a physical feeling of distress. The more they do this, the easier addressing conflict will be for them, because their body won’t be sending them unnecessary distress signals.
Note that in the midst of a conflict is probably not a good time to tell them this–and it may even come across as trying to get your teen to be quiet. Make time to talk with them about ways to calm themselves (breathing techniques, journaling, physical release, etc.) when they are feeling conflict in their bodies.
Consider the setting:
The time and place you have difficult conversations with your teen matters. It should be when all people involved have time to have a proper, unrushed conversation–meaning you shouldn’t be “squeezing in.” In a culture that rewards productivity it can feel like there’s always something more pressing than sitting down and talking–especially with the demanding schedules of a family–but it’s crucial to make time for talking with your teen.
Where you talk to them should also be somewhere they feel both comfortable and safe. So, not in a public place, even if it’s one they like, not in front of other people, even if they are friends or loved ones. At your home, privately, with assurance that you’re there to listen to them is best.
Give them space to express what they’re feeling:
When teens feel like they aren’t being heard, the behavior you’re struggling with (motivated by whatever feelings they can’t communicate) will just increase. Let them know you’re safe to turn to, that when they’re upset they can come to you to find solutions with them that they can’t find on their own.
You might think the conflict you’re having is about one thing, but giving your teen space to express themselves can help you understand what’s happening for them in this situation which will help you to…
…address the underlying issue:
If your teen is acting out, chances are good that there’s a reason behind the behavior. They might feel unheard, ignored, overlooked–so many things you might not even realize because they don’t know how to express them.
They might not be blowing off school work because they “don’t care” but because they’re struggling to meet the high expectations put on teens academically, socially, with their extracurriculars, or things like that. Rather than try and fail to meet expectations, it might feel more emotionally safe for them to not try at all.
Punishing them for “not caring about school” doesn’t fix that problem, and just demonstrates to them that you don’t have space for their complex feelings. When you get to the root of the issue, you and your teen can get on the same page again.
If you’re looking for additional support in managing conflict with your teen, we can help!