Did you know that, according to the US Department of Health & Human Services, teens who feel comfortable with open and regular communication between themselves and their parents are less likely to engage in risky behaviors?
However, the key here isn’t just that the teen feels that they can talk to their parents–it’s that their parent is actively listening, as well as facilitating and prioritizing that connection.
Creating this feeling of openness, support, and trust isn’t just telling your teen, “You can talk to me about anything!” While the sentiment may be true and well-intentioned, just like any other relationship, there is foundational work that needs to be done to back it up. If you aren’t connected to your teen on an emotional level, they aren’t going to feel comfortable coming to you, no matter how many times you tell them you’re there to talk.
So how can you begin to create this connection?
1) MAKE YOUR HOME AN OPEN AND WELCOME SPACE
Let your teens know that your space is a safe and welcome space not just for them, but for their friends as well. A huge indicator if a teen feels comfortable at home is whether or not they feel comfortable inviting their friends over. When their friends are over, welcome them into your home, but don’t hover. Give them space to just relax and exist as teens together. If you want to indicate that you’re happy for your teen to have their friends over, small things are always better: Ask the friend if they are staying for dinner, tell them it was good to see them, etc. A home where your teen’s social circle is comfortable and supported is a home where your teen will feel comfortable and supported.
2) ESTABLISH SMALL TRADITIONS
Maybe Tuesday night is family dinner night. Maybe you pick one day a week to take a hike. Find some small activity that you and your teen enjoy doing together, and prioritize it in your schedules. Having a consistent regular activity that you both enjoy will help to strengthen that connection, and allow you to bond with your teen more organically.
3) BE OPEN AND GENEROUS WITH YOUR AFFECTION
Tell them you love them, say good night, ask them how their day was. Being open and generous with affection doesn’t mean your whole routine has to shift to make a grand gesture. It’s more about those little things in everyday interactions with your teen that help them know your love and support for them is constant and secure.
4) HONOR THEIR INTERESTS
Instead of pushing them to join certain clubs or teams, ask them where their interests lie. Help them pursue the activities they feel passionate and joyful about. If you see something (a local club, activity, etc.) you think they would like based on their interests, let them know about it! Show them that their interests are important to you.
5) PASS ON TRADITIONS AND FAMILY HISTORY
Part of facilitating that connection with your teen is helping them to feel a connection to your larger family unit as a whole. What do they know of their grandparents, their aunts and uncles, the extended family traditions? Is there a recipe your own parents taught you to make? Make time to cook it with your teen, tell them stories about how you made it with your parents. Teach them to carry on the small family rituals and traditions that your parents passed on to you.
6) PRIORITIZE COMMUNICATION
How is communication modeled in your home? Are conflicts handled with open and clear communication? Do you try to solve problems for your teen rather than asking them what they need? Making sure your home is a space of open and direct communication will teach your teen that voicing problems is okay and even encouraged, rather than something to be punished. This shows them through action that they can feel comfortable talking to you about anything.
7) RESPECT THEIR SPACE
Knock before you go into their room, don’t clean their room for them, leave their space just for them, etc. This might sound like it’s the opposite of working toward connection, but a crucial part of that emotional bond between you and your teen is mutual respect and trust. If you show your teen that you respect their space, that you view it at theirs, and furthermore that you see them as mature and trustworthy enough to have a space that is completely their own, they are far more likely to return that trust and support.
Are you looking to strengthen your connection with your teen? Learn more about Sarah Wiley, LCSW, one of our teen therapists, below.