“You’re not listening!”
This phrase is spoken, but the majority of the time yelled – several times within arguments! If someone doesn’t change their mind or point of view to ours, we believe they are not listening to us. There are two definitions of listening when entered into Google. One we believe it to mean: “take notice of and act on what someone says, respond to advice or a request”; the other can mean: “make an effort to hear something; be alert and ready to hear something.” Both definitions are true; the first assumes the listener will take action, and the second is noting the listener as passive.
Listening does not guarantee action or change.
The other party does need to provide validation that a concern is heard. This can look like: ‘I do understand, although it does not mean I’m going to change my thought or action.’ For example, for kids or teens: ‘I get you’re angry about being grounded and you’re allowed to be, but it is not changing’ or ‘I know you hate when I ask you to clean up before we go to bed as much as I hate doing the dishes, but we clean up after ourselves.”
According to John and Julie Gottman, “when a person’s heart rate is above 100 beats a minute, or their oxygen is below 95 percent, they can’t listen very well. They can’t empathize. They lose access to their sense of humor. They’re secreting two major stress hormones: adrenaline and cortisol” (“A New Wave of Systems Theory and Therapy Now Includes Scientific Inquiry”).
We do not listen to listen. We listen to respond the majority of the time.
At times, we want our point of view to come across louder, in turn, becoming more defensive in arguments. Therefore, we are thinking about our response even before the other party is finished speaking. To practice listening: take a deep breath to lower your heart rate and try to repeat the other parties’ statement how you understood them. This also provides validation to others.