“I’m not going!”
“Yes you are, get your bookbag, we have to leave”
“No, you can’t make me. I don’t want to go, I hate school! ”
These types of interactions occur on a daily basis, and have grown even more challenging as we have collectively worked to navigate the pandemic. Children and teens have been expected to be resilient and flexible, and seamlessly implement a set of adaptive skills that are in many ways brand new to them.
If you have been encountering resistance when it’s time for your child to go to school, it’s important to consider if your child has the skills to articulate the source of their distress. When expressing concern, is your being met with irritation, or an invitation to connect and collaboratively problem solve the challenges they’re facing.
The first step to navigating it, is to understand why your child is resisting or refusing. School refusal is frequently seen as a behavioral issue; an intentional choice but that is frequently not the case!
Kids resist school for many reasons beyond stubbornness or rebellious behavior. These could be things like:
Anxiety
There could be many reasons that attending school causes anxiety in your child. They might struggle leaving you, due to fear that without you there something bad will happen to either you or them. They might struggle with social anxiety, so time outside of structured class time, or the thought of a teacher calling on them might cause extreme distress.
Academic difficulties
If your child struggles in class, school is naturally going to be distressing for them! It’s hard to sit through class and not know why you’re not understanding. Not only does it have academic consequences, but it also can impact your child’s self esteem! Whether it’s a particular subject they’re having difficulty with, or an undiagnosed learning disability (on average 2 in 5 people with learning disabilities go undiagnosed in childhood)
Depression
Just as with anxiety, depression is another common mental health issue that could be affecting your child’s distress level at school. If they’re depressed, managing the tasks required of them probably seems much more daunting than it is!
Social Problems
This could be bullying, feeling lonely or isolated, having trouble making friends, fighting with their current friends, etc. But there is a huge social aspect to school! These are usually going to be their peers from kindergarten to senior year, so it can feel devastating when you feel like you don’t fit in.
What can you do about school refusal?
Tackling school refusal is a team effort–and that team needs to start with you and your child. Make it clear to them that you are on their side, and also that this problem, which might feel insurmountable to them, is one you can handle together.
Beyond you and your child, your team will probably need some support from the school itself. If your child is resisting school for academic reasons, they might need special help. That could be smaller, more supportive classes, teachers with a different teaching style than the one your child is struggling with, tutors, peer support, etc. Talk to your child’s teacher and/or school guidance counselor about what options are available to better support your child’s academic health!
If they are struggling to manage mental health issues it’s important to get them connected with a child mental health care professional. The school may also have resources to guide you there! But child counseling is a great way to provide your child support in dealing with anxiety or depression, and to help teach them coping skills so they can thrive in their time outside of session as well.