What does it mean to be resilient?
To be reliant is to have the ability to navigate tough situations and difficult circumstances, and to recover from setbacks. Basically, it’s your ability to “bounce back.” When something hard happens, are you completely leveled by it? Or do you (after allowing yourself to feel whatever emotions you need to) find a way to pick yourself up and carry on? Do you allow yourself to feel your emotions, while still able to remind yourself that they won’t last forever? That’s what resilience is.
This isn’t something that comes naturally to most of us–we have to develop it as a skill and practice it, and the more we do, the better we’re able to bounce back after something tough happens. But, unfortunately, that puts some at an advantage over others. Those without supportive relationships, particularly healthy familial relationships have a much harder time developing this sense of resilience.
In fact, in researching this sense of resilience within children, it was found that strong relationships with important adults in their family and community was one of the key common threads among children who had that strong ability to “bounce back.” Those strong relationships could be important for any number of reasons including:
Providing children guidance on how to navigate difficult situations
Offering advice or helping the children problem solve to decide how to move forward
Providing a sense of security and safety for the children, so they know they are still protected when they are navigating hardships
So how can you help your child build resilience?
Prioritize the health of your relationship:
Like we mentioned above, the common thread within those who have a strong sense of resilience is a strong connection and relationship with the significant adults in their lives. These strong relationships show your child that they are loved and protected. That’s a baseline need we all have–care and safety–in order to thrive. When they know they are loved and protected, they are able to be more vulnerable, and able to face difficult situations knowing failure is an option because they will have someone to support them even if they do fail.
Remember not all stress is harmful:
No, it’s never pleasant to feel stress, but there is a distinction between regular stress and chronic or toxic stress. We all deal with stress: when we’re giving a presentation at work that we really want to get right, when we want to make a good impression on someone, when we’re working hard at school, etc. None of these things are necessarily bad things, they are just uncomfortable for us–but they also often lead to growth. It’s important to empower your child to learn the difference between regular, manageable stress and toxic stress. When they learn to manage their stress, they gain a feeling of confidence in their problem solving skills, in their intelligence, in their abilities overall.
Be a sounding board instead of a problem solver:
Give your child a chance to solve their own problems. Obviously, when things are out of their scope and need to be handled by a parent, it’s your job to step in. But not every problem they face needs to be solved by you. Give them space to try and figure things out for themselves. Ask them questions to help guide them through their problem, (“what do you think would help make you feel better” etc.) but resist the temptation to just instruct them on what to do.
Encourage self kindness and trying again:
If how they decide to navigate the situation ends up not helping, give them credit for trying. It’s very hard to try things especially when we don’t know if they’ll work, so fostering a sense of positivity over just trying to navigate your problems as best as you can (even if it’s not perfect) is important! Have them praise themselves for trying, tell them you’re proud of them for the attempt, etc. Let them know in life things are rarely one strike and you’re out, so they are always allowed to try again.