Have you ever heard of attachment styles?
According to attachment theory, put forth by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, our early relationships with our parents or caregivers help to determine the ways in which we connect to and relate with others throughout our lives. Based on our relationships with these foundational figures in our lives, we learn how we’re expected or safe to behave in relationships with others.
There are four main attachment styles which are:
Anxious or preoccupied
Avoidant or dismissive
Disorganized or fearful-avoidant
and Secure
Let’s dive into each of them.
What is an anxious or preoccupied attachment style?
One of the three “insecure” attachment styles, this style is characterized by deep fear and anxiety of abandonment. Adults with this attachment style often feel insecure in their relationships, like they need constant reassurance or validation that their partner is content or not going to leave them.
What is an avoidant or dismissive attachment style?
Another of the three “insecure” attachment styles, this attachment style is characterized by fear of intimacy, hyper-intense sense of self & self reliance. Adults with this attachment style often feel they “don’t need” anybody, that they can take care of themselves, and that opening up to others is a risk that does not pay off. They tend to be emotionally unavailable in their relationships, and frequently suppress their feelings, frequently unable to regulate their emotions.
What a disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment style?
This would be the final of the “insecure” attachment styles, and is essentially a mix of the other two. People with this attachment style simultaneously crave the validation and reassurance from their partner, while still avoiding it at every turn. They want to feel close with their partner, may even feel insecure without that emotional closeness, but cannot make themselves emotionally available for that vulnerability.
So, what does it mean to be securely attached?
By contrast, securely attached adults are better able to identify, and express what they’re feeling and what they need from their partners in order to support that feeling. There isn’t that fear of intimacy from being vulnerable with their partner, and they’re able to take time away from their partner without needing the constant assurance that they still care for them.
How do these styles form?
Like we said above, attachment styles develop in our childhood, based on our relationships with our parents or other primary caregivers. Developing a secure attachment style requires parents or caregivers who are in tune to and responsive to their child’s needs, and who are emotionally available and able to regulate their own emotions so as not to project them onto their kids at inappropriate times.
According to attachment theorist John Bowlby, there are four key components to developing secure attachments, which are:
Proximity maintenance: desire to be near those you’re attached to/to maintain proximity to attachment figures
Safe haven: seeing the attachment figure as someone who can be returned to in times of distress
Secure base: the child knows the attachment figure will function as their safety as they explore the world/environment around them
Separation distress: anxiety at absence of the attachment figure
When these four components are met, and children know their caregivers will be both physically and emotionally available and responsive to them, secure attachments are able to form.
So what should parents know about attachment styles?
First, what is yours?
Understanding your own attachment style when you’re a parent is important! It’s what you’ll be unconsciously modeling for your child, and watching how you relate to others is a huge part of how your child will learn the basis for their relationships. And, if you have an insecure attachment style, it’s good to be aware of that so you can do your own healing work and not pass it along to your child.
Look at the four key components above and ask yourself:
Does my child feel the desire to turn to me for help/soothing?
Do I make it clear I’m a safe person for them to turn to?
How will my child know I will function as their safety net in new situations?
Working with a therapist can help you identify your attachment style, what helped it form, and how you can heal it moving forward. They can also help you as you keep those questions in mind as you help your child develop their own attachment style.