Did you know that almost 75% of teens struggle with self esteem, and that self-esteem begins to plummet at age NINE?
First: what is self esteem?
Self esteem refers to a person’s inherent sense of confidence in their own worth and abilities; a strong sense of self-respect, and high regard of oneself. Self esteem is crucial, for forming strong connections with others, for accomplishing goals you set for yourself, and for maintaining strong mental health.
Building a strong sense of self esteem isn’t just an inside job. Teens learn how they’re supposed to feel about themselves based on how their family, teachers, friends and peers treat them and speak about themselves and others. The way others treat us becomes our roadmap for what we think we deserve–and if we’ve been on the receiving end of more harsh words than kind ones, our self esteem will suffer.
Why is self esteem important for teens?
There are many benefits to a strong sense of self esteem; with a strong sense of self esteem comes a strong sense of self confidence and self worth. With those, we’re able to hear constructive criticism or have an easier time with difficult conversations with others, because we know our self worth doesn’t change in difficult situations. Without that strong sense of self esteem, the outcomes of difficult situations start to feel like they define your worth, rather than your worth being inherent.
Self esteem is especially important for teens, as they’re in a time in their lives where they’re figuring out who they are, what they believe, what their passions and opinions are, and–maybe most importantly–still learning how to form and maintain close relationships.
Teens with a strong sense of self esteem are more likely to:
act responsibly and be independent
tolerate frustration and other intense emotions
Withstand criticism
Form meaningful relationships
Accept compliments
Ask for help
Teens who struggle with self esteem may:
avoid new things or self isolate
Be easily influenced by others
Struggle with establishing, maintaining or respecting boundaries
Struggle with managing intense emotions
Be unable to accept compliments or ask for help when they need it
As parents, you want your teen both to be able to recognize their own worth, and to be able to ask for help without feeling like that worth is diminished.
So what can you do to help them develop a strong sense of self esteem? Here are five tips:
Demonstrate asking for help:
Asking for help is hard, no matter our age. If you show your teen that asking for help is not only normal but good, you help to teach them that needing help doesn’t diminish someone’s inherent worth. They can learn by example that no one has every strength, but that we all have our own strengths, and they each deserve to be valued.
Compliment them on things other than their looks:
We want their self esteem to be based on their strengths and qualities, NOT dependent on how they look externally. Is your teen great at problem solving? Are they compassionate? Maybe your teen is creative or funny or good at connecting with new people. There are so many admirable qualities that don’t have anything to do with appearance. What do you love about your teen? How can you help them see and appreciate their strengths?
Help them develop positive self-talk:
What does your self-talk look like? When you’re frustrated, how do you express it? When you make a mistake, how do you behave toward yourself? These are things your teen will have picked up on, and learned from you. In this way, helping your teen develop positive self talk starts with you. Work on how you talk to yourself. You won’t always get it right but you can practice redirecting yourself away from negative statements and coming up with more positive alternatives. And then you can take that practice to your teen to help guide them toward more positive self talk as well.
Be curious instead of shaming:
If your teen is falling behind in school or with their chores, what do you do? Sometimes, the instinct is to punish; taking away a privilege until the behavior turns around. And while that may teach your teen something, it’s likely not the lesson you want them to learn. Instead, can you get curious and inquisitive with them about why they’re not able to keep up with what’s on their plate? Maybe something else is impeding their ability to stay on top of things. Maybe they’re struggling with school or friends, or something else entirely. By teaching them to explore the root of the problem, you’re teaching them that they are a full person deserving of compassion and care–not just someone who is expected to check things off of a list to maintain their worth.
If your teen is struggling, learn more about how we can help them here.