Does it feel like your teen uses anger to cope with their difficult feelings?
Being a teen is overwhelming, and one way that teens often deal with overwhelming feelings is through anger. It can be really tough to parent an angry teenager who seems to want nothing to do with you or anyone else.
Teens can show that they’re angry in lots of ways. Although our typical idea of anger is someone who is yelling or behaving aggressively, anger doesn’t always look like that.
Here are some signs that your teen is using anger to cope:
Shifts to negative mood that come on quickly and easily
Holding grudges or resentments, even over long periods of time
Lashing out at others or destroying property
Being rude to others, especially adults
Getting into fights or disagreements with peers
Physical symptoms like tense muscles, increased heart rate, flushed face, tightness in chest, or gastrointestinal distress
Relying on substances
Parents often worry that angry teens are out of control or that there is nothing they can do to help. It can be hard to remember exactly what it feels like to be a teenager, and teens today have pressures that we couldn’t even imagine when we were growing up. When you feel like you don’t know how to relate to your teen, it can be overwhelming to try to support them through a difficult time.
It’s normal to feel angry from time to time
What’s important to remember is that teenagers, as grown up as they feel, are still growing and developing. It’s normal, developmentally, for teens to pull away from their parents during the teenage years. It’s normal for them to have to use trial and error to find coping skills that work for them as they grow up. What helps a younger child cope probably won’t be as effective for an older teen, and it’s a learning process.
It can also help to remember that anger serves a purpose, even when it feels like it’s impacting your family dynamic in a negative way. Even though it’s not always a supportive coping skill, anger is a way for teens to deal with their emotions. In order to utilize more supportive coping skills, teens need to learn other ways to respond to intense emotions and distressing feelings.
Here are 3 ways you can help your teen manage anger in a more supportive way:
Establish the difference between anger and aggression
It’s okay to be angry, and we all feel angry from time to time. However, it’s not okay to behave aggressively when you’re angry, especially the older you get. We give kids a lot of leeway as they learn how to regulate their emotions, but it’s important to stress to your teen the difference between anger and aggression. You can feel angry without acting in an aggressive or threatening way, whether it’s toward yourself or others (or even inanimate objects).
The anger itself isn’t the issue most of the time. Anger is an emotion like any other, and we all feel it from time to time. Anger becomes an issue when the ways it’s expressed are aggressive or inappropriate. We often learn in real time what helps us feel better and what doesn’t, especially since many of us don’t get much education on emotional regulation when we’re young. It can be helpful to validate their feelings of anger while offering different options for expressing anger other than aggression.
Encourage them to explore new coping skills
Since anger is a way that teens cope with their feelings, to manage anger they need to learn new coping skills. Everyone copes differently, and different situations may require a variety of coping strategies.
Some coping strategies that may be more effective for your teen than anger are:
Listening to music or a podcast
Taking deep breaths
Taking a walk around the block
Running up and down the stairs
Taking a break in a quiet room
Hitting or kicking a punching bag or a pillow
Distracting themselves with making art, creating something, or playing music
Squeezing a stress toy or slime
Smelling a calming scent, like a candle
Sucking on a lozenge, mint, or piece of candy until it dissolves while breathing deeply as a way to pause before acting in anger
Or holding onto an ice cube until it melts
Writing down what they’re feeling in a journal
Encourage your teen to keep track of things that make them feel emotionally regulated and safe. This can help you identify coping skills that would work well for them.
The best way to learn new coping skills is to practice using when you’re not emotionally activated so that it feels instinctive to use your coping skills when you’re upset. It can be tricky to think rationally when emotions are high, so having a go-to list of coping skills can come in handy. Some folks even like to create a coping skills toolbox to pull out in moments of distress. These toolboxes can include things like notecards with coping skills listed out, sensory objects, or distracting activities.
Help them practice being assertive and solving problems
Sometimes teens get angry because they feel like they’re being slighted or taken advantage of. Other times, anger comes up when they have difficulty solving a problem. Anger may be a way they try to meet their needs, solve problems, and stick up for themselves. If this is the case, teaching them how to be more assertive and how to approach problem solving can be a game-changer. It’s also helpful to model these skills yourself, so your teen can see them in action.
If you’re not sure how to help your teen learn assertiveness and problem solving, try acting out some recent scenarios that have made your teen angry. Help them practice reacting assertively rather than aggressively. It might be helpful to brainstorm things to say in certain situations or to practice how they’ll respond so it feels more natural in the moment. Remember that it takes time to learn and integrate new skills, so it might take more than a few practice sessions.