10 Questions to Help You Get Unstuck

By Amy Marlow-MaCoy

A few months ago, I downloaded several years’ worth of music from CDs to digital format (Legally! I paid for all of it!). Since then, I’ve started listening to songs I hadn’t played in years.

It’s funny how music can transport you to a different point in your life. When the first few notes of that college-defining album reach your ears, it’s like stepping back in time. At least it is if you’re as deeply affected by music as I am. Perks of being an HSP, I suppose.

This week, as I was driving around blasting a 15-year-old hardcore album I haven’t played in at least 10 years, I was struck by how much can change and not change in such a span of time. I still love that album, even though many of the lyrics no longer feel as relevant in my life. I get goosebumps in the same places of the same songs, and I do the same silly head motion at one particular line that I have done since the first time I heard it. Listening to that song, on that album, really started me thinking about change.

Everyone’s favorite frenemy

A frequent flyer topic in therapy is how hard it is to actually create change in your life, no matter how much you desire it. Part of that is that human nature is to be ambivalent, where we simultaneously want and avoid anything that shakes up the status quo. Part of it is that change can be scary and full of unknowns.

And sometimes there’s actual benefit to not making a change – at least, enough benefit to outweigh the cost of doing something different. It can be frustrating to feel torn between parts of you that desperately crave a change and parts that are so scared of it they’ll keep you paralyzed for years.

So let’s see if we can’t bring some openness and curiosity to those places where we feel stuck, where we desire change and shun it at the same time. The rest of this article will be less about explaining why you’re stuck than about guiding you to exploring your own parts through a series of questions.

This is the interactive portion of the article

Ask yourself each question, and see if you can sit quietly for a moment to hear the answers. Notice where you struggle, where feelings of shame or failure rise up in response to a question. Pay attention to the questions you want to avoid: they’re telling you something important about what goes on in your inner world.

And try to stay open to even the answers that feel uncomfortable. You may not like the responses you get from parts that fear change or doubt your ability to create it, but this information is important, too. Listen not to argue those parts down or win them over, but to understand them. Understanding is valuable in and of itself, and without it change is at best temporary.

And without further ado…

10 questions to help you get unstuck

• What has changed in your life over the last ten years? How about in the last five years? In the last year?
  
  Think about how you saw yourself, the world, and yourself in the world ten years ago. Do you see things through the same lenses now? If not, how have those views changed?

• What changes are you most proud of having made in your life so far? Are there any that you regret?
  
  Think about the changes that you feel most strongly about, whether in favor of or in regret of. Would you do anything differently if you could know then what you know now?

• What has helped you make those changes?
  
  Change is hard! What supports, whether internal or external, helped you make a shift? Do those supports still exist in your life today?

So far so good….

• What changes do you want to see in your life?
  
  Think about the areas of your life that feel incomplete, unsatisfying, problematic, or not-quite-right. What do you keep coming back to when you think about how you want things to be different?

• What do you think will be different in your life if you do make these changes?
  
  When we strongly desire a change in some area, we usually have an idea of how we think that change will improve our lives. What’s on your vision board for this change?

• What do you fear will happen if you never make these changes?
  
  If you try and fail, or you can’t bring yourself to try, or your efforts just don’t quite make it – what feels the worst about that possibility? What would be the most upsetting part of not making this particular shift? Pay special attention to what comes up around this question!

Now the hard part

• Look over those last months and years again. What has remained the same? Are there things in your life that you don’t want to change?
  
  Sometimes we want to hold onto things we feel proud of. Moral codes, personal values, promises and patterns – what are the things you want to remain solidly in place in your life? Are there things you used to want to change, that you now value about yourself?

• What kinds of things have you tried to change, but been unable to?
  
  No one succeeds at everything they try 100% of the time. What changes and shifts have you struggled with? Again, pay attention to the feelings that come up around trying and falling short.

• What keeps you stuck in those areas where you desire change but can’t make it happen?
  
  Special note: This question is NOT about cataloging all the ways you are weak, prone to failure, or how you just plain suck because you couldn’t get un-stuck! This question is about bringing compassionate curiosity to the parts of you that struggle with or resist doing things differently in a certain area. THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT. See if you can be curious about why the parts of you that can’t or won’t shift feel the way they do.

• What do you believe it says about you if you can’t make the changes you hope to make? And where do those beliefs come from?
  
  Sometimes we believe that our ability or inability to accomplish something indicates something about our character (e.g. failure = I am a weak-ass loser). This is not necessarily truth, but we may still believe it. What beliefs do you hold about yourself if you can’t move forward where you want to? What does it mean about you if you’re stuck?

That was more than 10 questions!

Ok, ok… so brevity is not really my strongest suit. But in fairness, the above questions are unlikely to have quick, simple, cut-and-dried answers. And if you skirted around that by answering solely based on how your favorite foods have changed or stayed the same? If you did that, be curious about the parts of you that want to avoid looking deeper.

You may notice that none of these questions really give you a clear-cut plan for getting unstuck. What they do instead is to focus your insight and self-awareness on what’s actually happening inside for the parts of you that feel stuck. When you understand the fears of those parts, you can support them in exploring and facing the fears.

Be gentle with your stuck parts. Stuck-ness can be a good indicator that there is pain in need of healing, and you can give yourself that gift.

Be curious, be compassionate, and be open. You are worth your own time.

November 17 is National Unfriend Day

By Sarah Wiley

You are whom you surround yourself with. Meaning it is easier to be happier when one surrounds self with people who are positive, although most of us surround ourselves with people that will ‘co-sign’ our negativity.  

Stated on the radio the other day, on average Android users are on their phone 3+ hours a day and iPhone users 4+ hours. One can assume users are on social media the majority of these hours. Let’s take a challenge and examine our friends and those we follow. 

Could there be 5 people that seem to only post negative comments/posts you could unfriend or hide? 4 people? Even 3 people could make a difference.

The Highly Sensitive Person in a Narcissistic Home

By Amy Marlow-MaCoy

Have you ever cried while listening to a moving piece of music? Ever looked at an interesting piece of art and found yourself getting goosebumps? Or do you sometimes just know that someone is upset just by standing near them, without them needing to say a word? If this sounds familiar, you might be a Highly Sensitive Person.

As I discussed briefly last week, Highly Sensitive Persons (HSP/HSPs) are estimated to make up about 15-20% of the population. HSPs receive and respond to sensory input at a much more subtle level than most. They are also very skilled at sensing the intangible, like the overall energy of a room or another person’s emotions. All adult children of narcissists develop a Spidey Sense to some degree, to protect against their narcissist’s explosive anger. HSPs, however, take this to a whole ‘nother level.

Sensing what’s really there

In many ways, HSPs are a narcissist’s dream. Narcissistic behaviors are heavily focused around meeting the narcissist’s emotional needs with little or no consideration for anyone else. The drive to relieve their own pain, to feel important and loved, and to feel in control override any sense of others’ needs.

Highly Sensitive Persons, on the other hand, are acutely and uniquely aware of the physical, mental, and emotional state of people around them. They will often – consciously or unconsciously – work to make the other person more comfortable. It’s a match made in heaven for a narcissist, who gets to enjoy being taken care of and attended to.

Unfortunately, it’s less heavenly for the HSP in the relationship. One of the challenges of being highly sensitive is that you can’t really turn it off. HSPs are the first to notice the “black cloud” that always seems to hang over a narcissistic home. They can often tell when there’s trouble brewing just by stepping into the room, even if things appear outwardly calm. For the HSP, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” is not just a Star Wars quote but a prophecy. Being so aware of those vibes can weigh on the HSP, causing distress and pressure to somehow fix everything.

An impossible expectation

Sensing another person’s needs can create the expectation that the Highly Sensitive Person should be able to do something about it. Both the HSP and the narcissist may come to believe that the HSP’s job is to take care of the narcissist and meet all of their emotional needs. It is an unrealistic and unfair expectation, but a common one. Because they are so aware of the needs of others, HSPs often assume caretaker roles in their relationships. These roles require a great deal of emotional energy, wearing down and exhausting the HSP who can’t say no.

When an HSP becomes overwhelmed by sensory stimulation or depleted from caretaking others, they often need to withdraw in order to recover. Narcissistic parents or partners may misinterpret this withdrawal as the HSP abandoning or rejecting them. They perceive this withdrawal as stemming from laziness, lack of love, or selfishness and punish the HSP accordingly. Guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and projection are common strategies that narcissists employ to pressure the HSP to return to their post as carer-in-chief. HSPs, who tend to be overly hard on themselves, may take these messages to heart and believe them. This spurs them to work harder, burn out faster, and the cycle continues.

The spoken and the unspoken

Another tricky spot comes in when the Highly Sensitive Person is led by their intuition to notice discrepancies, see through misleading double-talk, and hear what isn’t being said through the spoken words. HSPs are excellent at discerning the truth in the lie, or finding the subtext that most would miss. Unfortunately, most narcissistic people will deny or gaslight anyone who questions their version of reality. 

This creates a conundrum for the HSP, who must decide whether to pursue their intuition or accept the narcissist’s version of truth. Pursuing the HSP’s truth puts them at risk of rejection, gaslighting, and having their sensitivity used against them. “You’re too sensitive,” or “you’re reading into things that aren’t there” are two common phrases narcissists use to silence and confuse Highly Sensitive Persons. It is a form of gaslighting with a nasty edge, as it denigrates a core personality trait for the HSP.

Balancing compassion with self-care

Finally, Highly Sensitive Persons often struggle to balance empathy with assertiveness – generally erring on the side of empathy. As deeply caring, intuitive, and empathetic individuals, HSPs genuinely want those around them to be happy and healthy. They are also very aware of the pain that most narcissists try to hide and avoid at all costs.

HSPs can often see how trauma affected their narcissist and turned them into who they are. Seeing the trauma makes it harder for many HSPs to feel like they can assert themselves to set boundaries. They know the narcissist will feel angry and rejected, and they have a hard time saying no to someone that they know won’t understand their reasons.

Turning that care and compassion inward

Being highly sensitive in a toxic environment can leave deep wounds. Fortunately, even the most highly sensitive of HSPs can learn to gently place boundaries and practice self-care. Highly Sensitive Persons have a rich, complex inner life and a deep capacity for compassion. When they give themselves permission to turn that compassion inward, healing becomes possible.

If you are a Highly Sensitive Person who struggles to separate your feelings from others, feels deeply selfish for tending to your own needs, or feels overwhelmed by the needs of others, take heart. Your sensitivity is not a curse, and it can be a wonderful gift. You can’t turn it off, but you can learn to care for and nurture yourself, just as you do those around you.

You deserve the compassion you so freely give to everyone else. It’s your time now.

Acceptance Vs. Change

This dialectic (two things that feel opposite but actually exist together) is one of the foundations of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). And it can be a really hard thing to understand! We reviewed it this week in our DBT-Informed skills groups for teens, and we *think* they got!!

Acceptance means understanding yourself, others, situations, and the world around you in a non-judgmental way. Acceptance does not mean liking something or being happy with the way it is. It means we simply are taking it for what it is.

Examples of acceptance include:

- Accepting your emotions

- Self-acceptance – accepting yourself just the way you are

- Accepting a situation over which we have no control

The pro side to this dialectic is promoting happiness and, well… acceptance. The downside is that, if we get stuck here, it does very little to promote growth, change, or improvement.

Speaking of change… change means doing something different – either problem solving or using skills to address something that’s not working. When we are working on change, we aren’t working on acceptance.

I know. It’s confusing.

So how to we balance these two dialectics?? First, we have to change our mindset from accepting OR changing to accepting AND changing. DBT believes that in order to create change, we have to first accept. So for your teen… DBT would teach them the skills or accept him/herself AND help him/her explore ways they’d like to change.

There’s nothing wrong with them. Or you! And there’s power in balancing both acceptance and change. There’s a vastly different mindset between:

-  “I HATE that I’m so depressed. There’s something wrong with me and I need to fix it.”

And….

-  “My feelings of depression are a part of me right now. I’m frustrated that I feel this way, but it’s there, and I know I can learn skills to manage it.”

The second statement holds so much more self-compassion, and when we show ourselves compassion (and acceptance), it makes it so much easier to see ways that we can change – without change representing something wrong with us that needs to be fixed.

For more information on this dialectic and on other dialectics that parents often face (balancing being strict and lenient, balancing providing independence and support), leave your email below to receive our {FREE} DBT-Informed Parent Guide.

This is a worksheet that we use in group to help learn this topic. Print it to use with your teen.

Courage of the Survivors: An Open Letter

By Amy Marlow-MaCoy

I had a topic all ready to go for this week. Had my general theme, key points, and a great nerdy example to draw from.

(I really did!)

And then….this week happened.

I don’t know how many of you watched Dr. Christine Blasey Ford’s testimony alleging sexual assault by Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. I don’t know how many of you feel that the decisions made following that hearing were the right ones, and how many feel they were the wrong ones. This post is not about that.

To speak is a risk

Dr. Ford spent hours recounting a traumatic experience from her high school years. Whatever your beliefs about her decision to speak out, lifting her voice was an exercise in courage. Dr. Ford probably knew that once she came forward with her story, she risked having her life, her character, and her integrity questioned by those who found reason to doubt her. Almost certainly, she knew that even if everyone believed her, that her testimony might not make a difference.

Likewise, many of you may have struggled with whether or not to tell anyone about the abuse – whether physical, sexual, emotional, or narcissistic – that you have survived. One of the more pernicious aspects of narcissistic abuse is gaslighting – making you doubt yourself and doubt that others will believe you. Most survivors of narcissistic abuse believe the lie that no one else will believe them. As a result, they often remain quiet for a very long time. After all, why would you speak up if you truly believe no one will listen to you?

To speak is courageous

Because that’s what it really comes down to, really. Choosing whether or not to disclose your experiences of abuse is deeply affected by how you anticipate your disclosure being received. And for those who have suffered narcissistic or other emotional abuse, physical abuse, or sexual abuse (or all of the above), you have most likely faced that sweaty-palmed question: If I tell anyone what really happens behind closed doors, will they ever believe me?

Which is worse? To tell your story and have it discounted, or to be believed and to find that it doesn’t change anything? Maybe it’s six of one, half dozen of the other. Either way, it requires deep courage, fortitude, and self-trust to speak your truth to a world that may not value it.

Whatever your political leanings, the last couple weeks have been crazy-making for many of us. And this post is not about a political stance or statement. Above all, it is about reminding you survivors – each and every one of you – that you are strong. You are resilient. And you are brave.

To speak is to become visible

Your voice has power. I hear you, and I will raise my voice with yours.

Your heart is brave. I honor your strength, and I will always honor your courage.

Your story is valid. I receive it, and I will continue to hold space for you to tell it.

There is space for you here.

You are courageous.

You are valued.

You are Seen.

It Didn’t Start With You: Tracing the Roots of Narcissistic Abuse

By Amy Marlow-MaCoy

It didn’t start with you

Narcissistic abuse never starts with the victim, no matter what the narcissist says.

Did you know that?

Even if they said, “You were just such a difficult child, I never knew how to deal with you.”

It didn’t start with you.

Even if they told you, time and time again, that the verbal abuse, the put-downs, the gaslighting, and the belittling was done “for your own good.” That it was all so you wouldn’t think too highly of yourself and become arrogant.

It didn’t start with you.

Even if they accused you of “being like this” on purpose just to provoke them. Or of being cold and vindictive by saying no. Or of being heartless for not giving in to the same demands on your time, attention, and emotions.

It didn’t start with you.

It’s easy to fall prey to the words that are thrown at you. The ones that lay blame, find fault, and try to pin responsibility for abusive behavior on the recipient. Those words can sink deep, finding purchase in the corners and crevices of the soul. But no matter how much you heard them, how much you still do, know this: It didn’t start with you.

Tracing the roots of abuse

Abusive behavior never starts with the victim, but is often blamed on them. It is one of the more crazy-making components of narcissistic abuse: when the narcissist behaves hurtfully, but blames the victim for their own actions. 

What’s up with that?

The name for this pattern of misdirecting blame for negative behavior is projection. It can feel deliberate, malicious, and targeted – and in some ways, it is. Narcissists use projection to shame the other person into compliance by redirecting feelings and responsibility that the abuser finds intolerable. Projection also helps them to distance themselves from thoughts, feelings, and actions they find unacceptable in themselves. 

So why do they do this? What drives this infuriating tactic?

No one wants to be the villain of their own story

Narcissists cannot tolerate taking responsibility for their actions because, for them, there is no difference between doing something wrong and being worthless. And their sense of self and self-worth are deeply dependent on how they are perceived by others. The big secret behind the grandiose persona of most narcissists is that they actually harbor deep feelings of shame, worthlessness, and fear of abandonment. All of the harmful, frustrating, infuriating behavior is essentially an attempt at coping with or avoiding pain. 

Even the most entitled, self-assured, demanding narcissists in you can encounter base their worth in the opinions of those around them. They constantly seek validation and reassurance of their importance to others because it’s the only way they know to measure their own worth. This is part of why narcissists will heavily pressure family members who refuse to comply with the narcissist’s expectations to “change back” and fall in line. 

It probably didn’t start with them either

Now here’s the real kicker: Your narcissist may have once been in your very shoes.

The genuinely sad truth is that most narcissists come from a long line of wounded, traumatized people. When you look closer, you will very often find that the history of abuse, neglect, and family trauma extends back multiple generations.

Case in point:

Jon is a 45-year-old divorcee with two teen daughters. Jon is angry and bitter about his wife ending the marriage. He often complains to his daughters about their mother’s selfishness and his own loneliness, ignoring their discomfort with these conversations. Jon believes he was treated unjustly and that he didn’t deserve to be divorced. He believes he is entitled to be treated as special and above-average, even though he has little to show for his education or career. 

Jon’s mother Carol never liked his ex-wife and frequently tried to disrupt their marriage. His father, Todd, was distant and often seemed detached. Todd was mostly uninvolved in parenting, but would become enraged when he felt challenged or disrespected. When Jon and his ex tried to push back against Carol’s interference in their marriage, Carol became tearful over feeling “unwanted and unappreciated.” Her hurt feelings triggered Todd to berate Jon for making his mother cry. Jon was held responsible for his mother’s feelings, even when she brought the reaction upon herself by repeatedly overstepping the relationship.

Jon knows that Carol’s parents emigrated from a war-torn country after much of their family was killed. Both suffered from nightmares and intrusive memories of the horrific violence they witnessed. They also suffered from depression, which made them emotionally withdrawn from their children. Jon knows that they put great pressure on Carol and her siblings to be very successful, to show that they were good Americans and worthy of their place here. Jon feels guilty that his divorce is a black mark on Carol’s record as a parent. He knows she only feels good about herself when she can boast about her family.

Trauma in families leaves wounds that pass through generations

In Jon’s case, we can see at least three layers of emotional wounding that contribute to his nuclear family suffering. In the first layer, Jon displays narcissistic traits such as entitlement, grandiosity, unrealistic expectations of his own specialness, and scapegoating his ex-wife. These traits contributed to the ending of his marriage, but he is unable to accept his role in the relationship. He risks passing these traits on to his children by teaching them to put all the blame on someone else, rather than looking inward and taking responsibility for themselves.

The second layer is Jon’s parents, particularly his mother Carol. Carol married a man who carried on a family cycle of being emotionally unavailable, much like her parents. Todd’s limited emotional investment usually showed up as rage. That Todd would also turn this rage on Carol or their son was an acceptable trade-off, because at least she felt loved when he raged on her behalf. Carol could never quite live up to her parents’ expectations, so she channeled them into excessive pride over Jon’s rather mediocre career. And when she felt that Jon’s ex-wife was impeding his ability to succeed, she did everything she could to disrupt the relationship in hopes of “freeing” him.

The third layer is Jon’s grandparents, the traumatized immigrant family. Jon’s grandparents had to focus on survival over everything, and were unable to show vulnerability or tenderness to their children.  Jon’s grandparents were haunted by their traumatic experiences. They remained permanently in “defense mode” to the point of being unable to emotionally bond with or support their children. Their unreasonably high expectations and emotional coldness taught Carol that she could never be good enough to please them or earn their love.

It doesn’t have to continue with you

Jon’s story may have some familiar elements for you. Maybe you know of trauma and abuse within your family tree. Or perhaps you’re aware of many generations of neglect, poverty, substance abuse, or other abuse ranging back a hundred years or more. Maybe you’ve wondered if that means you can possibly hope to break the pattern with your family. After all, it has already played out through multiple generations leading up to you, right?

There is good news: It didn’t start with you, but it could end with you.

When you come to the awareness that something is not right in your relationships, you reach a choice point. With knowledge and insight come the responsibility to choose: continue as you have been, or do something different. Every breath presents an opportunity to choose. Continue on, or do something different.

Trauma has long-lasting and far-reaching effects on survivors. Narcissistic traits can be a by-product of trauma wounds that never heal. You can choose differently by facing the vulnerability of doing your own healing work, and passing it on to your children and loved ones that the work is valuable.

If you’re ready to heal, reach out today. Let’s begin!

Does Your Teen Use Anger to Cope?

By Sarah Wiley

Anger and aggression is helpful for your teen to deal with overwhelming emotions, although in an unhealthy way. This can take a toll in multiple aspects of your teen’s life (i.e. family, friendships, and school) and make it difficult to know where to turn. Do you see these signs in your teen?

• Experiencing anger that escalates quickly and easily

• Holding on to anger for a long time, even after the event has passed

• Lashing out at others or destroying property

• Experiencing physical symptoms in response to anger, including tense muscles, a rapid heart rate, and warmth in the face

• Often utilizing cursing/swearing

If you’re seeing this behavior in your teen, Sarah can help! Sarah specializes in working with teens, (and their parents) struggling with depression, anxiety, and anger/aggression. She helps teens find their voice and understand how to identify their own emotions.

October 5 is National Do Something Nice Day

By Sarah Wiley

Children and teenagers are watching others all day long. Younger siblings look up to their older siblings and older children are looking up to parents/aunts/uncles/older family members. Today is National Do Something Nice Day. When a person completes a nice task for another person, our brains see this act as pleasurable and promote self-esteem. This could be making sure to hold open the door for something several steps behind you or taking up your neighbors trash. Let’s take note today if our children are being mindful to these small daily acts of kindness. If not, today is the day to start the conversation and begin modeling.

Volunteering is multi-beneficial as valuable to your child, you as a parent, and the community. Volunteering as a family is a positive approach to increase family bonding and encouraging communication and closer relationships.

Here are a few local ideas that accept volunteers:

• Cooking a meal for Ronald McDonald House

• Meals on Wheels

• Library

• Local pet shelter/pet store

• Local thrift stores

• Pegasus Therapeutic Riding Academy

• Jenkintown Food Cupboard

• Awbury Arboretum

• Chestnut Hill Business District Harry Potter Festival

• Philadelphia’s many children hospitals

Aggressive Language

By Sarah Wiley, LSW

The adolescence years are filled with many experiences, and many leading towards teenagers trying to gain independence. For many teenagers, this comes as a struggle of trying to find how they can gain their independence. At times this is attended by teens using their voice in unhealthy matters, such as raising their voice, using foul language, and lashing out in order to gain control.  

Teens are still learning how to problem-solve. Many teens watch adults argue, although do not watch how they come back to discussion in order to problem-solve. Teens can often become resentful towards parents as they assume parents forgive one another faster due to not seeing the resolution. It is important to engage your teen in order to teach them healthy communication and problem-solving.  

Struggling with a teen that is threatening you does feel extremely intensive. At times there could be extra people within the argument that you do not physically see. Teens rely on their friend group for almost everything during these years, and this has become easier over the years with a friend only a text away. They discuss their issues with friends that are able to validate their feelings; this is, of course, a struggle added to the argument as your teen has now been provided increased confidence in a possibly negative aspect to increase aggressive language. 

Many times teens are begging for a relationship with you, I know might be hard to believe. These behaviors can be addressed and at times support is needed. Although, hope without action or change is wasted. The sooner you start, the better chance you have of changing these behaviors, but sometimes it means changing your whole family communication style. Simply put, if you want to change the way your child is doing things, you’re going to have to change the way your whole family is doing things as well. You do not have to do this alone; it can be done together and become stronger.

Anger is not your enemy

By Amy Marlow-MaCoy

When I decided to focus this week’s article about how anger is not your enemy, I poked around for some suitable quotes to illustrate my position. Unsurprisingly, many of the quotes that came up condemned or advised against anger. There are many variations on the theme that anger is harmful, negative, and to be avoided if possible. Among the keep-calm-and-carry-on advisements, however, I was reminded of this gem, from a wonderful fantasy series called The Dresden Files (basically, Harry Potter for grown-ups).

Yes, more nerdy stuff

In this passage the protagonist, wizard Harry Dresden, is conversing with sometimes-antagonist Lasciel, an ancient fallen angel with whom he has a complicated relationship.  Pay attention to how Harry describes his view of anger:

“Anger is just anger. It isn’t good. It isn’t bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It’s like anything else. You can use it to build or to destroy. You just have to make the choice.”

“Constructive anger,”  the demon said, her voice dripping sarcasm.

“Also known as passion,” I said quietly. “Passion has overthrown tyrants and freed prisoners and slaves. Passion has brought justice where there was savagery. Passion has created freedom where there was nothing but fear. Passion has helped souls rise from the ashes of their horrible lives and build something better, stronger, more beautiful.”

― Jim Butcher, White Night

Harry says it beautifully, and this passage embodies one of the reasons I love the Dresden Files series so much. Flawed, impetuous, passionate, and loving to a fault, Harry is a very human protagonist. And while his anger causes him to do some incredible things – for better and for worse – I think his attitude toward it is exactly right.

Despite popular opinion, anger is not a character flaw. It is an emotion, on par with every other emotion you can experience: joy, sadness, excitement, fear, grief, anxiety, relief, etc. It is neither better nor worse than any other feeling. Yet so often, we try desperately to rid ourselves of it. Why?

The shame conundrum

For many of us, anger is a one-way ticket to feeling ashamed. When we become angry at someone or something, we berate ourselves for having lost our tempers. We learn from an early age that this feeling is unacceptable, and that we should stay calm no matter what is happening. But what is so terrible about our anger?

The shame of feeling angry seems to be related to the question of whether or not we have a right to our feelings. If we are expected to be calm, compliant, and easygoing, then allowing ourselves to experience anger feels like a failure. It may feel selfish to allow ourselves to be angry, especially if the anger is directed at someone we love.

In some relationships, anger is simply seen as distasteful; in others, it can be an actual liability. When you are in a relationship with a narcissistic loved one, for example, anger is generally a one-way street. The narcissist may express anger, but they cannot tolerate the same freedom of expression from their child or partner. Should you break this often unspoken rule, you may get one of two likely responses. Either the narcissist will lash out to bring you in line, or they may trigger your guilt and shame response by falling to pieces with copious apologies and “I am dirt”-type histrionics. Which you then feel obligated to tend to.

When anger is only allowed to flow in one direction, walking upstream can trigger intense feelings of anxiety, guilt, and wrongdoing.

The truth

There is nothing inherently wrong with expressing your feelings – any of them! It is not wrong, selfish, or disrespectful to feel, acknowledge, or express an emotion. Our emotions tell us what is going on for us in response to our world. Anger tells you something important: somewhere inside, there is a hurt part asking you to speak for it.

Now, the thought of actually telling someone you are angry with them may leave your stomach in a knot. That sensation can easily trick you into thinking anger = bad. But your anxious parts are also just trying to protect you – from backlash, from guilt, and from rejection. If you can, try to gently and compassionately remind your anxious parts that both they and your angry parts are equally welcome, and equally valued.

A place in your world

Anger is not your enemy. Although it has the power to cause pain, it also has the potential to bring about growth and change. It can give you the courage to stand up for yourself in an unhealthy relationship, even if the other person doesn’t like you doing so. It can solidify your moral stance when you see evil or unethical actions bringing harm to another. And it can breathe fire into your heart to help you take a stand where you were too fearful to do so in the past.

How can you engage with your angry parts this week? What might they have to tell you if you can be still and listen to them?