4 Tips to Navigate Conflict with Your Teen

Do you know how to manage conflict with your teen when it comes up?

Here’s what commonly happens: 

Teens, who are less able and less practiced in how to regulate their own emotions, are quicker to anger or and prone to catastrophizing. This means, instead of being able to hear what you, their parents, are trying to communicate to them, they just hear criticism–so they get defensive, and attack.  

Parents are, of course, only human. So while in practice reacting to their aggression with anger of your own teen only exacerbates the conflict, it’s a common reaction when we feel like we aren’t being heard, considered, or respected. And many adults aren’t taught proper emotional regulation skills to begin with, so learning how to apply those skills and model them for your teen is something that must be consciously and intentionally practiced. 

Here’s what to do instead: 

Lower your voice & calm your body: 

Like we said in an old post, sometimes the simplest action of lowering your voice can defuse an argument from escalating and stopping the fight/flight response. Our bodies have muscle memory, if you take a physical step back, your mind will soon follow with healthy behaviors previously learned or practiced. Once calm, remember to return to the conversation in order to process.

This is also something you should teach your teen to do with conflict too! Guide them through the importance of giving their body space to calm down, so they can come to hard conversations without a physical feeling of distress. The more they do this, the easier addressing conflict will be for them, because their body won’t be sending them unnecessary distress signals. 

Note that in the midst of a conflict is probably not a good time to tell them this–and it may even come across as trying to get your teen to be quiet. Make time to talk with them about ways to calm themselves (breathing techniques, journaling, physical release, etc.) when they are feeling conflict in their bodies. 

Consider the setting: 

The time and place you have difficult conversations with your teen matters. It should be when all people involved have time to have a proper, unrushed conversation–meaning you shouldn’t be “squeezing in.” In a culture that rewards productivity it can feel like there’s always something more pressing than sitting down and talking–especially with the demanding schedules of a family–but it’s crucial to make time for talking with your teen. 

Where you talk to them should also be somewhere they feel both comfortable and safe. So, not in a public place, even if it’s one they like, not in front of other people, even if they are friends or loved ones. At your home, privately, with assurance that you’re there to listen to them is best.  

Give them space to express what they’re feeling: 

When teens feel like they aren’t being heard, the behavior you’re struggling with (motivated by whatever feelings they can’t communicate) will just increase. Let them know you’re safe to turn to, that when they’re upset they can come to you to find solutions with them that they can’t find on their own.

You might think the conflict you’re having is about one thing, but giving your teen space to express themselves can help you understand what’s happening for them in this situation which will help you to…

…address the underlying issue: 

If your teen is acting out, chances are good that there’s a reason behind the behavior. They might feel unheard, ignored, overlooked–so many things you might not even realize because they don’t know how to express them. 

They might not be blowing off school work because they “don’t care” but because they’re struggling to meet the high expectations put on teens academically, socially, with their extracurriculars, or things like that. Rather than try and fail to meet expectations, it might feel more emotionally safe for them to not try at all.  

Punishing them for “not caring about school” doesn’t fix that problem, and just demonstrates to them that you don’t have space for their complex feelings. When you get to the root of the issue, you and your teen can get on the same page again. 

If you’re looking for additional support in managing conflict with your teen, we can help!

Encouraging a Healthy Relationship With Technology

We can’t really escape our teens having a relationship with technology from an early age. Our lives are so intertwined with the internet that even if they wanted to avoid it, they wouldn’t really be able to. And while being overly plugged in isn’t good for teens, being totally disconnected isn’t good either! There are a lot of wonderful things that technology offers our teens–venues for self expression and exploration, connecting with other peers, and learning. 

But too much time with technology can have negative impacts on your teens sleep health, concentration, and their mental health. Social media alone is a minefield for not even just teenagers but everyone’s mental health–the ease of comparing ourselves to others has never been easier, and we’re all seeing ourselves as coming up short. 

On top of that, excessive time online often corresponds to increased time alone. While alone time isn’t a bad thing (we all need it now and then), spending the majority of your time alone, online, can exacerbate feelings of isolation, loneliness, and make seeking those real life connections seem more daunting than when we have a foundation of support.  

So how do you figure out the balance? Here are four tips to help encourage a healthy relationship with technology with your teen. 

Set household boundaries 

Boundaries are the key to healthy relationships–with other people and with things like technology. And while you can’t determine the boundaries your teen sets with technology outside of home, you can help them develop strong boundaries at home. Have phone free-time, where no one in the family is on their phone or computer. You can start simple with this, like saying no phones at dinner. You’ll all be eating anyway, so it’s not a big loss to give up a phone then. You could also make bedrooms a screen-free zone. This can also help stop that mindless scrolling before bed that can disrupt our sleep health. And when your teen learns to let themselves be bored again (without immediately grabbing their phone to entertain them) they’ll be able to mindfully engage with the environment around them, and develop meaningful hobbies.  

Lead by example 

Setting boundaries that only apply to your teen won’t teach them the importance of a balanced relationship with technology–it will just feel like a punishment. Instead, when you’re asking your teen to have tech-free time, that should be tech free time for you too.  

Encourage offline alternatives

A wonderful aspect of the internet is that it allows us to connect with other like minded people. But too much time online–even if connecting virtually with others–can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation, especially if that’s the only method of socializing your teen has. Instead, help them find real world connections. What are the interests they’re exploring online? Are their clubs or interest groups in your town that they could take part in? 

Don’t consider it one and done

As time goes on, be ready to re-asses and adjust boundaries as you may need to. Sometimes you may need to loosen up on them, and other times they may have to be even firmer. Consider your teens overall health. Things like:

• How are they sleeping?

• Are their grades consistent?

• How are their emotions after spending time online? (Do they use it in a healthy, positive way, or do you find they’re often irritable or drained or insecure or judgemental after lots of screen time?) 

• How is their social life?  

• Do they have hobbies that get them outside or moving their bodies?

Understanding and Fostering Teenage Brain Development

What do you know about your teens' brain development? 

Most of us don’t learn specifics about when and how our brain is developed. But understanding your teens' brain development can help you foster healthy development for them. 

So what do you need to know about teenage brain development? 

Well, by age six, your child’s brain is about 90-95% grown. However, just because their brains are nearly adult sized so young, they aren’t done developing until well into adolescence. And within adolescence, the brain undergoes a sort of “remodeling.” In this remodeling, what’s called the gray matter of the brain–which is really unused thinking and processing connections inside of the brain–are eliminated and other, more useful, connections are strengthened. 

This process begins at the back of the brain, moving forward from there, “remodeling” as it goes. Understanding this can explain changes in behavior between adolescence–when there’s often a lack of consideration for consequences, lots of risk taking behavior, and poor impulse control–and young adulthood, as the front of the brain, which gets “remodeled” last, is the part of the brian responsible for decision making.

So, while the decision making part of the brain is still underdeveloped, the amygdala does most of the work when it comes to making decisions in teenage brains. 

What is the amygdala? The amygdala is the part of the brain linked with emotion, instinctive behavior, impulses and aggression. Knowing this, we can see why teenagers can seem emotional, “dramatic,” immature, or frequently engaging in risky behaviors. (Their brains literally are not done maturing!)

However–the teen brain has a lot of plasticity, which means that teenage brains are easily able to change and adapt to their environment. So with challenging and creative mental activities or academic work, their brains can learn and mature! But what this also means is how your teen spends their time is important, and has a direct impact on their brain development. They may need some guidance! 

So, what else can you do to nurture healthy brain development in your teen? 

Encourage independence and healthy risks: 

Can you help your teen foster a strong sense of their own identity? That way, they can feel confident in acting true to themselves, and take healthy risks, rather than risks brought on by fear or pressure or a poorly thought out impulse. 

Give them healthy, creative outlets for their emotions: 

If your teen can learn to identify what they are feeling as they are feeling it, and take time to process why they’re feeling it, rather than acting on it right away, they can learn to better control those risky impulses, and not be controlled by their overwhelming emotions. In order to do this, they need to have some sort of method for expressing or exploring their feelings once they’ve identified them. This could be through art or talking or music or movement–help them find a way that works for them. 

Help them develop and strengthen their problem solving skills: 

Don’t solve their problems for them, but help them walk through their options, so they can figure out how they want to handle things for themselves. This also teaches them the process of problem solving, so they’ll be able to apply that again on their own once they’ve practiced it enough with you. 

Encourage good sleep hygiene: 

Teens need between eight and ten hours of sleep a night, but most are definitely not getting that. Help your teen establish a more reliable sleep routine so they can get a decent number of restful hours of sleep. Also help them make sure their environment is good for sleeping. Are their bed and pillow comfortable, or are they waking up with some kind of ache that interferes with their sleep? Is their sleep disturbed by something else? Is it quiet or dark enough in their bedroom? Do they use screens right up until they fall asleep? 

Helping them establish better sleep hygiene will show up in so many areas of their life; it will help with their mood, their ability to regulate their emotions, their overall physical health, their problem solving skills, etc. Good sleep is so important, especially for teens! 

If you’re looking for additional support for your teen, come talk to us about our groups for teens: 

DBT Skills Group

Simply Social Group

LGBTQIA+ Group

Teens Empowered Group

Strong Girls Group

Strong Kids Group